


Disbelief

by Haileybuns_Haven



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Crying Victor Nikiforov, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Victor Nikiforov, basically just lotsa emotions and more emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haileybuns_Haven/pseuds/Haileybuns_Haven
Summary: Viktor sometimes overthinks things, too.





	Disbelief

**Author's Note:**

> A short late-night, unbeta'd drabble because Emotions kicked in at midnight :D

He couldn’t sleep. How long had it been? Four…no no, five hours now. Five hours since they had gone to bed—five hours of listening to his love and life snore softly. Five hours of feeling his love’s chest rise and fall against his skin. Five hours of holding him close. Five long, long hours of just…being there. Awake. And alone. And thinking.

And that was not a good combination. 

It wasn’t that anything was bothering him, in particular. Nothing had gone wrong. No, in fact, things were wonderful. He had everything he could ask for and more. He had someone to love and someone to love him in return. It was just... _something._

_Everything._

It was as though every single thing his brain could come up with was suddenly whizzing through his head a mile a minute, and none of them good. Things he didn’t want to think about. Things he didn’t need to be thinking about. Hell, things he hadn’t thought of in years. And for good reason. 

2:43 AM. He and Yuuri would have to be getting up in less than five hours. Was there even a point to sleeping now? 

Not like his brain would really give him a choice, anyway. It’s not like it was going to shut up on command. 

Viktor let out a sigh, staring up at the ceiling. He needed to move. To get up, maybe clean something, maybe take a walk, just do _something._ Maybe wear himself out until he just collapsed and got at least three hours of sleep if he could. Yeah. That was a good plan. He would do that.

Just as Viktor removed his hand from Yuuri’s back, he felt the younger man stir. 

“Viktor?” 

_Damn._

“Sorry, love, didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispered as he brushed a few stray hairs from Yuuri’s forehead. 

“What time is it?”

“2:48.”

“I knew you were an early riser, but this is a bit much, don’t you think?” Yuuri chuckled. His voice was still raspy from sleep. Viktor just smiled as he watched the man curl back into the blankets.

“I know, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Yuuri opened his eyes, blinking a few times. His smile slowly faded as he pushed himself up on his forearms, his face only a few inches from Viktor’s.

“Is something wrong?”

Viktor’s eyes widened. Was he being that obvious? Or was Yuuri psychic? 

Both?

Viktor opened his mouth, only to close it again. He wanted to say that everything was okay. That everything was fine. That he was fine. That they should go to sleep. But he couldn’t get himself to do so.

He felt Yuuri gently push him back onto the mattress before resting his head on his chest. The younger man immediately wrapped his arm around Viktor’s waist. “What is it?” 

Viktor stared up at the ceiling. He hated how bland it was, how empty the space was. There was nothing to focus on. 

“They just…didn’t understand.”

Yuuri didn’t say a word, clearly waiting for more.

“My parents.”

At that, Yuuri shifted a bit in Viktor’s arms. “What didn’t they understand?”

Viktor smiled a bit. His eyes had already begun to sting. “My mother—she was…I thought she would be easier.” That didn’t answer Yuuri’s question and Viktor knew it. But he kept pushing. “She…I had waited years, Yuuri. I waited so long. I planned for every outcome. I thought of every possible way it could happen. If she yelled and kicked me out, I planned for it. If she accepted me and continued on as though nothing was different, I knew it was unlikely but I kept it in mind. If she cried, I hated the idea but I was ready. 

But she didn’t do any of those things. 

I…I had torn myself open from the inside out to tell her what I had been hiding for years, and she didn’t even believe me.” 

Viktor felt tears fall down his cheeks. Warm and unsettling. 

“I would have preferred if she yelled.”

Yuuri’s arms squeezed him tighter, grounding him. He held Yuuri close to his chest and ran his fingers through his hair. How was Yuuri’s hair so soft?

“At least if she yelled, it would have meant that she took me seriously. At least if she was angry, she would have believed me. I could live with that.

How can you look at your child telling you something that they’ve spent years trying to figure out and tell them that you don’t believe it? It was like…everything I had been working to build up was invalid. Like I was invalid. Like I was a mistake or…” 

Viktor covered his eyes with his hand, squeezing his eyes shut as tightly as possible. 

“I worked so hard. I tried. I didn’t need her to accept me, I never asked for that. I just wanted her to _believe_ me.

Imagine telling yourself, every day, for years, ‘this is who I am,’ and having to constantly reassure yourself that you aren’t wrong because you aren’t fitting every single stereotype. Having to double-check that you’re right about yourself. Doubting yourself every single time you look at someone and find them attractive and think ‘no, I can’t, I’m not allowed.’ And then finally after so long you finally feel so sure, so secure and safe. And you know that you can share it because there’s no way that you’re wrong—

And then being asked ‘Are you sure?’ or ‘But you really liked so-and-so,’ and ‘No you aren’t, everybody does that.’ 

Oh and ‘Oh everybody wants to be special now.’

Wants to be? She told me I wanted to be this way. Like I’m trying on a costume or aspiring to become a doctor. Why would I want to be like this, Yuuri? Why would I choose this? I’m happy. I really, truly am happy. I’m so happy because I know who I am and what I enjoy. I know that I didn’t choose this—because I spent so much time being unhappy getting to this point. Why would I go through all of that unhappiness if I didn’t have to? 

And then she just said ‘No.’ She told me no. She just—“ He was sobbing now. Fast and hard and heavy and ugly all at once. And it felt _amazing._ Yuuri sat up and held him, tightly—petting his hair, whispering soft words into his ear, pressing gentle kisses along his neck and jaw. Viktor held onto him like a lifeline until his breaths evened out. He breathed in Yuuri’s scent, felt his warmth through his shirt. He closed his eyes, feeling safe and secure, and understood. “She’s still waiting for me to ‘change my mind’ and ‘meet the right person.’” Viktor chuckled a bit.

Yuuri sat back, and wiped Viktor’s tears with his sleeves. 

“When was the last time you spoke to her?” God, Viktor loved that voice. It was so gentle. So loving. So understanding and accepting.

“It’s been a while.” Yuuri only nodded in response. “I know it doesn’t sound like much. I know people have gone through absolute hell. Things far worse than that. I know it isn’t something to get so worked up over. It was just…it was as though, in that one moment, she had undone every bit of work that I had done. As though she was saying ‘no, go back and do it again.’ She said it so easily…I think that was the worst part. That she just…didn’t give it a second thought. She always told me that I could feel safe talking to her about anything. And when I gave her the chance, she dismissed me. I opened up to her in a way that I never thought I would be able to and she shut me back up. 

I wanted to stop breathing, Yuuri. I wanted to be nonexistent. I didn’t want to be real—I felt like everything I was, was wrong and that…’if this isn’t who I am, then what am I?’ 

I wanted to apologize to anyone I had ever shared it with. I wanted to take it back, like ‘oh I made a mistake, just pretend like I never told you.’ I never wanted to come out again. If I was wrong, then it was too much of a risk. It wasn’t worth it.”

Yuuri tilted his head a bit, and furrowed his brows. “But you did, in the end. You weren’t wrong.” 

Viktor smiled, and for the first time that night, it felt genuine. “It took a while but yes.” 

Viktor ran a hand through his own hair. “I cut it all off. I had it cut off without telling anyone and I moved out and I built myself back from square one.” 

Yuuri smiled back at him before pressing his hand to Viktor’s cheek. “And look at you now.” 

Viktor put his hand on top of Yuuri’s, turning his head to kiss the man’s wrist. He smiled again when he saw Yuuri’s ring in the darkness. “Mm, look at us now.”

**Author's Note:**

> It is 3:40 in the morning I need sleep ^u^  
> ALSO like I said a lot of this is just a stream of consciousness that I decided to write from Viktor's POV because I rarely do so. I hope it wasn't too over-dramatic <33  
> *And personally I like to think that Viktor's family is just as beautiful and loving as he is--where do you think he gets it from? ^u^* 
> 
> I love you all like Viktor loves being Extra™ in love with Yuuri


End file.
